I was having a nice dinner with my family last night when I decided to confess to them that I had done something out of character earlier in the day. I confessed that I followed a woman a bit too close because I was angry that she had pulled out in front of me. I felt horrible when the woman pulled over to the side of the road just so I would pass her and she could get me off her tail. As I passed her, I felt horrible. Who was that woman driving my Jeep yesterday?! It was so hard to come face to face with my ugliness. My heart sank as I realized how wrong I had been. I was the one pulling over a month before as a young man tailgated me! I remember whispering under my breath, "Jerk!", and wondered if she did the same thing. Oh, this was a big wake up call!
Later last night I was praying and asking God to help me not to be so angry when I drive. I mean, when I'm face to face with people, I'm super nice. I was voted "Friendliest" in high school! I love people and usually I'm very positive and encouraging. So what was it...why was this such a struggle? I immediately felt He whispered to my heart that it is a heart issue. If we boil it all down, I guess it's pride - pride in my heart that somehow deceived me into thinking that the road belongs to me, that people owe me respect and that when someone offends me, they should pay for their actions. But God opposes the proud, according to the Scriptures. He lifts the humble up and gives them grace (something I desperately needed to show to this woman), but He opposes the proud. God was not interested in my excuses (believe me I tried to convince Him that it was her fault - she made me mad by pulling out in front of me and risking my life!). But two wrongs do not make a right.
If I could apologize to her, I would. If I could do it all over again, instead of being angry I would pray for her instead. It's so hard to be mad at people when you pray for them. I would imagine that she was having a hard day, not assume she was trying to make mine hard. After all, it's really not always about me, you know. I know...big shock, huh? (smile)
Today has been tough as I am still wrestling through this, but one thing I can honestly say is that as I've posted about this on Facebook and discussed it on the air this morning, I'm not the only one who struggles in this area. The good news is - Jesus still loves us. But He does want us to become more self-aware and more like Him in the process. He wants us to confess our sins to Him and repent (turn away from the sin) and accept His forgiveness and grace.
God knew the woman driving my Jeep yesterday was me - but He also sees who I can become when I focus not on all my short-comings, but on becoming the woman He wants me to be - by His grace.