Monday, September 18, 2017

Wrestling with God

This has been a hard year for me, I guess you could say it was a year of wrestling with God. After pulling back from my speaking ministry for a couple of years to focus on a business that ended up failing, I would be lying if I didn't admit that I began to question if God might be mad at me for giving up a thriving speaking ministry for a business that He knew would never even survive! Lies flooded my mind that convinced me that I had blown it. Surely, God had moved on. He would probably never allow me to speak again.

Fast forward to this past weekend.  I spoke at a ladies retreat for Mount Pisgah Church. I shared four
Mount Pisgah Church Ladies Retreat 9/15-17 2017
sessions throughout the weekend. The retreat committee asked me to be their speaker last year - long before my business failed and long before these lies began to flood my mind.

As the months and weeks led up to the retreat, I felt really overwhelmed. I even considered calling the retreat coordinator and letting her know I didn't think I was the right one for the job. I felt unqualified. I'm ashamed to admit that there was actually a fear in my mind that God wouldn't show up. What if He didn't show up? I knew I couldn't do this without Him!

Whatever lies came to my mind prior to the retreat, I made a conscious choice not to believe them. I believed His Word instead. The lies still came (daily!) but every time a lie would come, I would fight it with truth. As I prayed last week before the retreat, I was being honest with how unworthy I felt to be someone to share with these ladies. God spoke to my heart: "I led them to you, so you would lead them to Me. Just show up."

He had a plan and He would be faithful to complete it...

It wasn't about me, it was about Him...

Even when I didn't believe it, I prayed He would help my unbelief...

He reminded me that He loved those ladies so much...there was no way He wasn't going to show up.

He also reminded me that He loved me so much...and He was not mad at me.

So, I went.

Shaking, trembling....fighting my unbelief with Truth from God's Word. 

And He showed up. Big time. Maybe more than ever before, because guess what? I was completely surrendered to Him, knowing that in my own strength, this whole thing would fail. I was completely dependent on Him. Where I am weak, He is strong.

He isn't finished with me yet.  I just wrestled with God, and though I may walk away with a limp to remind me that it's not about me, I will never regret or resent this past year.

Because it confirmed my call.

Thank you, Lord.




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