Monday, September 18, 2017

Wrestling with God

This has been a hard year for me, I guess you could say it was a year of wrestling with God. After pulling back from my speaking ministry for a couple of years to focus on a business that ended up failing, I would be lying if I didn't admit that I began to question if God might be mad at me for giving up a thriving speaking ministry for a business that He knew would never even survive! Lies flooded my mind that convinced me that I had blown it. Surely, God had moved on. He would probably never allow me to speak again.

Fast forward to this past weekend.  I spoke at a ladies retreat for Mount Pisgah Church. I shared four
Mount Pisgah Church Ladies Retreat 9/15-17 2017
sessions throughout the weekend. The retreat committee asked me to be their speaker last year - long before my business failed and long before these lies began to flood my mind.

As the months and weeks led up to the retreat, I felt really overwhelmed. I even considered calling the retreat coordinator and letting her know I didn't think I was the right one for the job. I felt unqualified. I'm ashamed to admit that there was actually a fear in my mind that God wouldn't show up. What if He didn't show up? I knew I couldn't do this without Him!

Whatever lies came to my mind prior to the retreat, I made a conscious choice not to believe them. I believed His Word instead. The lies still came (daily!) but every time a lie would come, I would fight it with truth. As I prayed last week before the retreat, I was being honest with how unworthy I felt to be someone to share with these ladies. God spoke to my heart: "I led them to you, so you would lead them to Me. Just show up."

He had a plan and He would be faithful to complete it...

It wasn't about me, it was about Him...

Even when I didn't believe it, I prayed He would help my unbelief...

He reminded me that He loved those ladies so much...there was no way He wasn't going to show up.

He also reminded me that He loved me so much...and He was not mad at me.

So, I went.

Shaking, trembling....fighting my unbelief with Truth from God's Word. 

And He showed up. Big time. Maybe more than ever before, because guess what? I was completely surrendered to Him, knowing that in my own strength, this whole thing would fail. I was completely dependent on Him. Where I am weak, He is strong.

He isn't finished with me yet.  I just wrestled with God, and though I may walk away with a limp to remind me that it's not about me, I will never regret or resent this past year.

Because it confirmed my call.

Thank you, Lord.


Dusty Dills said...

How cool that in the place we feel the most weak, He continues to make that the most powerful area in our story. Even when it doesn't make sense and there aren't answers, keep moving forward, saying "yes" in obedience, because He will show up and do HIS thing :-)

Leslie Nease said...

Yes!! So true. God is faithful, even when we are not. He cannot deny Himself! :)

Rick Barry said...

Way to go, Leslie. If you had written this with the attitude of "Yay me--I had huge job to do and I aced it using all my skills," you would have left us empty and wondering about your pride. But you didn't. You were transparent about your own fears and shortcomings and gave God the glory for using even an imperfect tool to accomplish his work. Nice job, sister.

And don't be too quick to assume your business was a failure. Through that journey you met people you wouldn't have met otherwise, had conversations you wouldn't have had otherwise, and influenced people for good in ways you couldn't have done sitting at home in front of a TV. Rather than considering that venture a failure, consider it God saying, "That season of life I planned for you is over. Now I have some other assignments for you...."

BTW, I sent in a fresh application to the first and best reality show last week. I'll be ecstatic if they call, but if not... God is in that too! Take care, my friend!

Leslie Nease said...

Thank you, Rick. I so appreciate your encouragement! I agree with you 100%, the business wasn't a mistake - but it was indeed a financial failure. However, I should have elaborated on the incredible eternal things that came out of my 3 years at HUB Fitness! I am in an amazing Bible study with several women and we all connected at HUB Fitness. I have several members who are now over at Furman with us exercising now because of the community that was created out of HUB. I have made some incredible friends, had the opportunity to share my testimony with others and I have no regrets about any of that. I have much for which I am thankful! Now, if you look at our checkbook, you will see it was anything but a successful business! hahaha ;) But I get your drift. And I agree wholeheartedly! :) Thank you, my friend!

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